Grandparents — you are the reason I started this blog! It’s true. A few years ago, I spent an enormous chunk of my time reading grandparenting books. Of course, I could have been reading parenting books as a mother of a young toddler, but I actually found grandparenting books fascinating. While many of my peers were probably reading parenting articles and books about how to do it themselves, I was learning about the incredible role grandparents play in the lives of their grandchildren and how important that relationship is. I am not a fan of the term “Supermom.”
I read about the importance of strong relationships between grandchildren and their grandparents and how it can be mutually beneficial for both parties. Learning new hobbies together, sharing stories, and truly listening to grandchildren speak, establishes strong connections that build greater resiliency in children and promotes greater emotional security. These connections increase feelings of self-worth in children, and are important for promoting self-confidence and a positive identity.
This unique relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren can be beneficial for grandparents as well. Many grandparents with mixed feelings about retiring from a lifelong career or downsizing, have found developing relationships with their grandchildren incredibly rewarding and purposeful.
In their book, Grandparents/Grandchildren The Vital Connection, Dr. Kornhaber and Mr. Woodward suggest that when it comes to the grandparent/grandchild relationship, “We discovered that this bond is second in emotional power and influence only to the relationship between parents and children.”
And yet, sometimes families face barriers to having these relationships between grandchildren and their grandparents. Many historians would say the Industrial Revolution played a role. Families moving away from their farms and into cities, formed more nuclear family settings and that may have separated many people from their extended family. Over the years, this has become magnified as young people move away from home for jobs and relationships. With our current society, many nuclear families spend less and less time together. Parents work, kids have after school activities, and everyone seems to have a schedule bursting at the seams making even family dinners amongst their nuclear family difficult to strive for, let alone having time reserved for grandparents.
And then came the internet. A tool that affords us information at our fingertips, the ability to connect all over the globe, and the possibility to remain social despite a global pandemic that forced us into our individual quarters. The world wide web also brought parenting advice to parents fingertips — some of it credible, well researched solid parenting advice from professionals trained to give that advice and a flood of it that is often not as credible, often misinformed and unfortunately, inaccurate. As parents try to discern which advice is both relevant and trustworthy, the advice of grandparents can often be left behind. The advice of grandparents becomes a whole new source that is often outdated and not inquired about — a pipeline that has often been shut off.
And with so many necessary changes that have taken place regarding raising children and the very different problems many parents and children face today, it’s not hard to see why many parents might ignore the advice of the people who raised them. When it comes to parenting advice, many parents want the new car with all of the updates and safety features in place. I can completely understand why it’s often both desired and necessary to change child-rearing practices.
However, I also worry when parents don’t go to their children’s grandparents for advice, it can also sometimes unintentionally erode parts of the relationship between parent and grandparent, making grandparent and grandchildren relationships harder to facilitate. Perhaps, some grandparents may not even want to offer their advice, feeling anxious themselves about everything that has changed and the different struggles that parents face today.
But I don’t think we always need to create waves. I think when both parties are willing and able, good communication can create an environment where everyone is working together with one common goal: supporting the kids.
There is strong evidence that grandparents play an important role in their grandchildren’s lives; a vital role actually. And after reviewing many drawings of children in their study, Dr. Kornhaber and Mr. Woodward, noticed that the only truly critical thing a child needs to have a positive image of a grandparent, is time spent with a grandparent. Nothing fancy. Not having all of the answers. Children simply desire time with you.
So how do we move through this conflict that can sometimes arise between grandparents and parents wanting to give unwanted advice while focusing on the child? I am sure there are many solutions but I think one way is to make more studies about the changes in parenting available to grandparents. Information about changes in raising and supporting children should be more accessible to grandparents. Just as I read articles on grandparenting, I would love to see grandparents reading more about parenting with the lens that these changes have taken place to better support the healthy growth and development of children.
And I get it, changes are hard. Even having a six year old, I’ve seen things change in the field of pediatrics and I have had to make changes to my own parenting style. How I raised my six year old at one year of age, is not the same as I’m raising my current one year old. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t a good parent to my six year old when he was one, it means I’m learning how to do things differently based on solid evidence that supports a change in my behavior. I try to look at it more objectively given the support for this change in behavior often comes from new research and guidelines often based on statistics, rather than allowing myself the emotional burden that I must have been doing something wrong before. That’s how I process the changes that have taken place. And someday, when I’m a grandparent, I can fully expect my kids are going to come to me, their mom, a pediatrician, and tell me what has changed. Hopefully, by then, I will have read about it too and we can have a discussion, moving forward with one goal in mind: supporting their children.
I think through more accessible information, grandparents can learn what’s changed and take more of active role in making suggestions to their kids about parenting. When it’s based on a combination of both experience and evidence, with a soft and compassionate tone, it is often hard to refute that. Advice presented in that way, is often easily received. And when that advice is given with tangible solutions that are not completely passed off to the parents to enact, but that grandparents can do too, well, I say let’s try it.
I’m going to share with you a recent study published in the journal of Pediatrics this past January. I am willing to bet, since a quick google search shows many of the popular news sources haven’t published this headline, that many parents haven’t seen this yet. And even better, it follows the theme of my blog the past few months — the importance of reading to children. Many more studies probably will be published in the next several years regarding this topic, but right now, this is hot off the press. And what’s more, it gives you solid advice based on evidence to share with your children and something that you can do to build strong relationships with your grandchildren and play a role in their overall health.
The study I would like to share with you, which I include the full reference below, is entitled, “Shared Reading and Risk of Social-Emotional Problems.”
Over the past few weeks my articles have focused on the importance of reading to kids. I’ve shared the benefits of reading to young kids which include promoting language development and school readiness, as well as the positive impact reading has on promoting strong relationships that provide security and buffer stress. Recently, I also shared guidance from the AAP’s Guidelines for Health Supervision of Infants, Children, and Adolescents that suggests the positive effects of reading to children extend beyond childhood, serving as a positive influence on the future health of children as they grow into adulthood. But the study that I shared above further elaborates on the incredible benefits of reading to children. This study suggests that more shared reading between caregivers and children, is associated with improved social-emotional health in young children, specifically between the ages of two and five years old. I am increasingly more convinced that beyond meeting their basic needs, reading books together is one of the most important things we can do for kids.
While one of the study’s limitations includes questions about the generalizability of this study given it was conducted in an urban setting, I think what we can take from this is that there is evidence to support that many children may benefit socially and emotionally from shared reading experiences with caregivers with future studies hopefully, providing further support to make these findings generalizable across all socioeconomic, racial, and ethic groups. And while many factors play a role in the growth and development of a child, and reading certainly isn’t a magical solution that can prevent all challenges, this study offers further support for the robust benefits of simply reading to children. And why grandparents really must, find many opportunities for reading to their grandchildren.
Now, if you happened to read my post from last week, you probably know I do not like the word “problems” when it refers to challenges kids face whether they are social-emotional or related to something else like sleep, behavior, nutrition, etc. I prefer to refer to them as social-emotional “difficulties that require support.” To me, phrasing it that way, suggests that a child and their families require a team approach, they require support, to help them work through their social-emotional challenges. The term problems, feels like it attributes blame, it feels like it’s the parents job to fix instead of the community of people that surround that child working together to help support that child through the challenges he/she faces — a community built by the child’s family, friends, school, medical team, etc. It takes a village.
Many families, especially over the past few years have been forced to offer more screen time than they typically would have liked to because they had to. Parents have been balancing work from home, prolonged sick leaves, and all of the typical juggling acts of parenting without many of the supports that were once reliable and consistent — like school and daycare. But reading to children can balance out screen time. Grandparents can help balance that time spent watching tv with reading to your grandchildren, even if it has to be miles away on a screen.
As the spring brings new growth and beginnings, consider sharing the findings of this study along with the many other benefits of reading to children with your grandchildren’s parents, your kids. Offer concrete times that you are available to come over and read to your grandkids or to host a virtual story time with them if you aren’t nearby. Asking questions of your grandchildren and more importantly, letting them ask questions, will help to foster these modern story times afforded to us by that world wide web. My hope is that this collaboration strengthens connections not only with your grandchildren but also their parents. Many parents worry about their children and the interruptions to their social and emotional health over the past few years. Now is the perfect time, if you aren’t already, to give parents hope and support. Offer to read to their kids.
And the good news? A lot has changed raising kids, but not much has changed about reading to them. You literally can still just pick up a book, and read. You can find a quiet spot in a park or snuggle up at nap time and read to them. Reading to kids is golden opportunity that hasn’t changed that much. It really is just picking up a book.
But if you want a little more, I have included some additional suggestions below for how to further connect with kids through reading, including teenagers.
1. Visiting your grandchildren down the road or across the country, make reading together one of your first priorities. Bring along photo albums and tell your family story, age appropriate of course, through pictures. Tell them about the silly things their parents did like, teaching them age appropriate life lessons as you go. Children of all ages love to learn about their family. They like to hear about places you visited and what you did there. They love to learn about you.
2. Head to the library with your grandchild! Often parents have to rush in and out of the library with their children, hushing them along the way. As grandparents, there seems to be a natural societal acceptance that you will let a little more slide, that a little child chattering and giggling is ok, even in a quiet library. You have wisdom and experience, a sense of respect sometimes unfortunately, not afforded parents. A standard for parents, doesn’t always exist for grandparents. In tune with your grandchild’s needs, as your entire focus is on them and not the parental juggle, your grandchild is probably less likely to meltdown or tantrum with you making the experience to a library potentially even more positive with a grandparent. Explore the library together, give them a personal tour, and then settle on some books to read there and ones you will bring home. As children select items off the shelves at the library, many of them can get a “yes” as opposed to a toy store where many of the items they pull off of a shelf will have to get a “no.” It can be a really positive day for both of you. And search more than just books! Consider magazines, travel books, and cookbooks. Select things you want to make together and places you want to go, either through your imaginations or a special trip you plan together.
3. Go for a walk and explore a walkable story time together. Many communities offer these story times with a child friendly walk. Immersed in nature with the breath of fresh air, you can explore a story together, often having more time to elaborate and discuss it as you walk searching for the next page. A quick google search can get to you to many more story walks in your area!
4. If you grew up watching PBS or your children did, you might enjoy some familiar characters that your grandchildren also enjoy! Head to https://www.pbs.org/parents/activity-finder/ages-all/topics-all/shows-all/types-birthday-party+coloring-and-printable+craft-and-experiment+recipe+games-and-apps. This site is full of fun activities you can do with your grandchild based on some of their favorite characters that you might recognize like the lovable characters from Sesame Street, Curious George, and the Cat in the Hat, and many more new ones like Daniel Tiger which is based off of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. There is so much you can share with your grandchildren about the entertainment their parents enjoyed as kids. Read one of their favorite books and then explore activity with them, bring the book to life!
5. Consider a mini book club with your grandchildren that are now teenagers. Think about books you read in high school and ask about what they are reading. Read alongside them and then talk about the chapters. It may even help your grandchild to feel more connected to the book and therefore, to school. It might be easier for them to have a group discussion in class after having one with you. And it might be easier to write a paper on a topic that they have already tried to understand another person’s perspective.
Reading to your grandchildren can bring an incredible sense of purpose and offer your grandchildren so many of these benefits. Parents and grandparents have a mutual unconditional love and passion for the healthy growth and development of the children they both adore. I firmly believe many of us can work together more effectively, more compassionately, and in doing so, we can change these societal themes from defining and promoting Supermom’s to creating supportive communities where all children can thrive. Grandparents, I really believe it takes a village and you are a big part of that village.
Reading to children, offers endless benefits and tremendous support.
Resources:
- Martin KJ, Beck AF, Xu Y, et al. Shared Reading and Risk of Social-Emotional Problems. Pediatrics.2022;149(1):e2020034876. www.pediatrics.org/cgi/doi/10.1542/peds.2020-034876
- Kornhaber, A., & Woodward, K.L. (1981). Grandparents, Grandchildren: The Vital Connection. Garden City, NY: Anchor Press/Doubleday.
