When my husband and I dreamed of buying our first home, we envisioned an open floor plan. But when we came across a listing with a more traditional layout nestled in a tree lined neighborhood of friendly faces with good bones and a prime location, our vision of an open floor plan was replaced by the home we saw ourselves raising a family in. We were sold.
Standing in our new kitchen, my husband and I brainstormed how we could still create the open feel we desired within the home we now owned. The obvious solution was to knock down the wall that connected our kitchen to the great room. The only problem was most of our cabinets and appliances were located on that wall and those would need to be relocated to the space reserved for a kitchen table. My mind seemed to skip over that detail envisioning a grand kitchen island with new cabinetry and guests that would flow unrestricted from room to room during holiday parties.
I was excited, my husband was intrigued, but a gentle voice listening to our thoughts was concerned. Our friend thought we would want a kitchen table once we started having children and gently suggested we wait five years before we remodeled. I shrugged him off — this plan would work!
Our friend had experience in real estate and we knew that made his opinions credible but his timeframe of five years seemed arbitrary and we were from a different generation. Why did we need a kitchen table that seemed to invite more clutter than dinner parties? A grand island in the center of our kitchen used for prepping, serving, and eating would be more practical.
My husband and I were busy professionals and we rarely found time to eat together as a young couple. I didn’t see much changing once we had kids. And besides, a high chair would pull right up to our island. A few years later when we had our first baby, it did just that. My son and I enjoyed dinner together at our island — my husband came home hours later.
But without realizing it, I was favoring casual bits of conversation fluttering between rooms over really connecting deeper with friends and family at a table. That seems to be the theme of our modern lives — buzzing from place to place with a “hello” and a “how are you?” rarely having the time to sit in one place to move past casual conversation.
Not registering for china when I got married seemed practical but was I taking it too far when I thought I didn’t even need a kitchen table? Didn’t I need the time and space to move past casual conversation with the people I love most in this world?
Fast forward seven years, three children, and a couple with very different dreams than we had when we first started our partnership. We were two young professionals and now we are two heads of a family with professional careers that have changed to meet the needs of our family. I am now home full-time with our three boys and my husband has traded his long hours for a position that affords him the opportunity to share at least one meal a week with his wife and children. I would hardly recognize the people that stood in our kitchen seven years ago planning to knock down a wall and never own a kitchen table.
As I look back, I was more focused on what was practical for our busy schedules rather than the core values and traditions with which I wanted to raise my children. My husband and I grew up connecting with our families while we ate. We told the same stories over and over again and we laughed — the positive effects of that laughter seemed to carry over for days or at the very least, throughout an evening.
As our children have grown from babbling to stringing words together to forming sentences, seated at our kitchen table they tell us jokes and stories from their days. My husband and I know this time together is gold and we treasure that opportunity to hear their chronicles and enjoy their humor.
Meals together are important for good communication, establishing routines, and fostering relationships. They afford families the opportunity to encourage healthy eating habits, work through conflicts, plan for their futures, and talk about their daily lives as they nourish their bodies with good eats and meaningful conversation. Taking part in family chores like preparing and cleaning up meals promotes confidence in children and helps them feel needed, valued, and important within their families — even when they complain. At three and six, my kids get their own beverages, set and clear the table of their dishes, and empty non-fragile items from the dishwasher.
Family members convening around a table, symbolizes an endless protective ring of support where older generations can share their history and life stories, that are age appropriate, with younger generations helping to form their identities, providing them with security, and building their resiliency. Sharing successes and mistakes with children teaches them important life lessons about overcoming hurdles and working towards goals. Out of these moments together grows a respect for the aging population and their values, traditions, and history.
Round tables, in particular, have been used as a tool to connect people for many years and that remains true even today. King Arthur and his knights sat at a round table to ensure everyone seated had an equal voice. Round table discussions in academics are intended to foster an equal opportunity to share ideas. And I recently read, one popular coffee shop chain adorns their floors with round tables intended to keep customers seated solo, from feeling lonely and isolated.
Five years after moving into our home, my husband and I bought ourselves an oval kitchen table. Sitting around a circular ring with our children, we giggle together and share in the highs and the lows of the day. There is no corner and there is no head of the table. We all have a voice and my children know it.
Finding time to weave family meals into busy schedules is a challenge for many families, including my own. However, once my husband and I started to look at that space in our kitchen as a place for building a critical foundation for our children and a place where they can feel supported, finding time for family meals became essential. And we do our best to keep the conversation positive, even when we’ve had an inevitably hard day or conflicts with one another. We try to model how to work through those hard moments and we try to inject some amusement into those meals, even if we aren’t feeling particularly cheery that day.
The time of day your family gathers around your kitchen table is less important. Some cultures enjoy dinners late in the evening after the days activities have simmered, others convene midday, and some gather for afternoon tea. Even during the busiest weeks of school projects, sports championships, and work deadlines, there is still time for undistracted face-to-face conversation, even if its just over light snacks, seated together at your kitchen table. There is still time for the really important parts of our lives — our families.
Plugged into our family calendar is the one weekday my husband will make it home for dinner so that all five of us can gather around our table — our phones absent, our attentions present. Weekend meals often provide another opportunity for all of us to have at least a few meals together.
While I try to eat with my kids most nights, there are times when I quickly grab a bite and head over to start clean-up or juggle another task. Those are the times when my kids are each others’ company. They crack jokes and belly laugh as though I can’t hear them — their baby brother giggling at remarks he has no idea what they mean but feeling a part of their happiness just the same. I don’t feel guilty those nights that we aren’t sitting down to eat as a family in the traditional sense — those moments are important for them too.
Each time we gather together around that table is another building block that cumulatively helps to form our foundation. We relish that time together — it’s practical and realistic, nourishing and fulfilling.
I sincerely appreciate to this day our friend who did not bite his tongue, who told us what we didn’t want to hear, and who spoke up for our unborn family. His words still resonate with me years later.
We never knocked down that wall and we have no plans to. Sitting in the spot we dreamed of new appliances and cabinets, is my favorite piece of furniture that we almost never bought — our kitchen table.
While I hope you enjoy reading my posts, kindly be advised that the words in this article are not medical advice and I cannot guarantee that they will work for you or your family. They are my reflections on parenting my three boys, based on my own personal background and experiences. Always reach out to your own health professionals for any questions or concerns. Please read my full disclosure at the bottom of this site for more information. Very sincerely, Mamma P.
