Few moments in life compare to the natural high of welcoming family home — especially when grandchildren are involved. Even during hard times, children bring a sense of peace and nostalgia amongst their chaos at family gatherings and great joy to family traditions — a joy that is simple and pure. This holiday season more grandparents may see their grandchildren than last year and therefore, many more grandparents and grandchildren will be afforded the opportunity to spend quality time together establishing and building strong connections that over time can have positive effects on both of them.
However, it’s not uncommon for conflicts to surface when children spend time in their grandparents home. A much anticipated visit can sometimes quickly turn into disappointment and heartache. Grandparents may find any insecurities they have about grand-parenting (or their prior parenting skills) magnified when their adult children immediately draw attention to potential safety hazards in their home and outdated child-rearing advice. Feelings of nostalgia may quickly turn into a flurry of anger or fear with grandparents wondering — What else do they think I did wrong? Do they not trust me?
Not only can a weekend or holiday be soured but sometimes entire relationships can begin to crumble. Grasping for self-preservation and validating their own parenting, grandparents may point out to their children — “well, you turned out ok.” But that response often can be a catalyst — some parents may not want their children’s childhood summed by: well, they turned out ok.
These sort of interactions are not just conflicts that exist when grandparents live far away, they may also exist when grandparents live close by as well. And when a grandparent is providing childcare, it can actually provide more opportunities for them to occur. Parents fear not being there to escort their child away from a potential danger or being able to intervene when a grandparent insists a child finish their plate, or hands over cookies instead of a diced avocado for a snack.
On the flip side, grandparents can sometimes be critical, quick to point out when they think a grandchild’s tantrums and behavioral outbursts are the result of poor discipline or a grandchild’s narrow palate is the result of parents who are pushovers at meal time. This painful judgment for parents, even when grandparents think they are concealing it by biting their tongue, can often be observed in a grandparent’s quick expression or body language. Perhaps even later overheard by parents through family gossip. All of it sending it a clear message, that parents aren’t doing something right, either.
Feeling invalidated themselves and concerned about their child but empowered by knowledge from evidence based resources, parents may start visiting less or pulling away from their children’s grandparents. They may even find alternate childcare.
Some grandparents may wonder whether these new recommendations are really necessary or whether it just leads to more parental anxiety. Over time, grandparents can feel less appreciated and undervalued, and some may even become more anxious themselves watching their grandchildren, fearing they no longer possess the skills to care for children or simply, just aren’t as young as they used to be. Exhausted and stressed, they may slowly provide less childcare and they may begin planning less outings with their grandchildren, altogether spending less time building strong relationships with them.
Some grandparents may begin filling their days back up again with the hobbies they took up after their own children left home. Friends and family of theirs may have also warned them about some of these conflicts between parents and grandparents before their grandchildren were born and they may have decided to avoid them altogether, being the grandparents that bring fun gifts at holidays and birthday but otherwise, keeping themselves at a distance. After all, they raised their own children and its time for them to live their own lives again.
When both parents and grandparents start pulling back from each other after conflicts, it can then set the tone for how future conflicts are handled. I think it also extends beyond our own families — as parents talk amongst themselves and grandparents talk amongst themselves about their own personal experiences with the three generation dynamic. Our society further perpetuates conflicts when articles are written from one point of view — either the grandparents or the parents. Often being summed up by: grandparents need to bite their tongues and parenting has changed.
I do think that many of the changes in parenting are important. I also think that with the vast access to knowledge, parents are often not going to their own parents for guidance, advice, and support. Many parents are becoming more of the family experts at raising kids with so much knowledge at their fingertips, despite very little true experience. I think there is both value in experience and in knowledge. When I was practicing pediatrics, I certainly drew from my experiences but I also kept a strong desire for learning about what was changing in the field and for staying up-to-date on the most current recommendations and guidelines.
I remember when my husband and I were expecting our first son, we attended parenting classes ourselves. Even as a pediatrician, I had the perspective that I am always a student, able and wiling to learn new approaches to caring for children. I also wanted to show support to my husband who did not have the same experiences caring for kids that I had.
Offered alongside those parenting classes were also grand-parenting classes. And I remember being eager to sign my son’s grandparents up for one. I’m not entirely sure how eager my parents were to go but I don’t recall hearing they didn’t want to.
I do, however, remember hearing other family members commenting later that they thought it was silly I asked people, who were already grandparents, to take a class on grand-parenting. But I, myself, had taken a course on newborn care and breastfeeding, despite feeling well versed as a pediatrician. I saw knowledge as additional support. I only wish I had talked more openly with my parents at the time about how they perceived my request to go to a grand-parenting course.
As both a parent and a physician trained in pediatrics, I have spent a lot of my life learning about childhood development and behavior, nutrition and healthy lifestyles, and there are many really important changes to how children are cared for today. There are new strategies for how we think about feeding our kids and guidance that positive reinforcement for behavior really does work.
But I also have such compassion for grandparents after reading some child-rearing books printed decades ago. I saw how the language in those books changed over the years as new editions were printed and new evidence supported updated recommendations. Reading for myself how many of the recommendations evolved, I have even greater empathy for grandparents as they trudge through understanding everything that has changed despite feeling well informed at the time.
Even when I read parenting articles or books, I sometimes have to find empathy for myself reading something that questions how I have been parenting, suggesting there is another way — a better way. And sometimes, truthfully, it does bother me. But the great thing about reading well-written parenting articles and books with an evidence-based approach is that it doesn’t mean I have to focus on how I have been raising my kids, instead these sources offer me the ability to give the children I love a better future.
When we stop reading these articles and books through the lens of our past and instead the lens of their future, it can give us hope. I try to hold the perspective that new information is put out not to highlight mistakes or failures of one generation but instead they are meant to teach us the successes we can give this generation of children.
It is my hope that articles and books about caring for children can begin to be directed to an audience beyond parents to include extended family members, teachers, coaches, daycare providers and members of the community. Children and their families need more support. And these publications should have a careful tone that ensures compassion to readers while also highlighting the critical changes that have taken place when it comes to caring for children today.
Because while so much has changed, what hasn’t changed is families and their children need support. A new policy statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics explains how safe, stable, and nurturing relationships between children and adults can buffer kids against the effects of toxic stress and improve their resiliency.
In many families, grandparents can be an important opportunity for kids to build strong relationships beyond their parents. And it is sometimes those quiet moments in between all of the holiday bustle that really build those strong relationships. The quiet time reading books together with a toddler, or enjoying a warm cocoa and cookie with a school age child after coming in from the cold, or flipping through old photo albums with a teenager showing them their family through the years. Many of those moments were missed the past year and a half, some of them may have been missing even longer, but we need those back. When kids are supported with strong relationships with adults, they are better able to deal with stressors in their lives and when parents are better supported, they themselves are better able to have nurturing and stable relationships with their kids. Strong relationships with their grandchildren, feeling valued and appreciated, can be positive for grandparents too.
I think when grandparents show an interest in what has changed in parenting, it can decrease tensions and increase trust between them and their adult children, affording more opportunities to build strong relationships with their grandchildren. In his book, The Vital Connection, Arthur Kornhaber writes, “Relationships with grandparents are second only to those with parents.”
As grandparents welcome their grandchildren home, I included below some resources for child-proofing grandparent homes, tips for providing childcare to grandchildren, two recent articles about the importance of children having strong, stable relationships with caring adults, and the recent AAP policy statement, Preventing Childhood Toxic Stress: Partnering With Families and Communities to Promote Relational Health.
Taken from the article, Tips for Grandparents Who Provide Child Care, is this lovely reminder, “Caring love is still the universal and timeless ingredient in helping children to thrive.”
Welcome home.
Resources:
https://www.contemporarypediatrics.com/view/aap-healthy-relationships-can-help-offset-toxic-stress
AAP Policy Statement: Garner A, Yogman M; COMMITTEE ON PSYCHOSOCIAL ASPECTS OF CHILD AND FAMILY HEALTH, SECTION ON DEVELOPMENTAL AND BEHAVIORAL PEDIATRICS, COUNCIL ON EARLY CHILDHOOD. Preventing Childhood Toxic Stress: Partnering With Families and Communities to Promote Relational Health. Pediatrics. 2021 Aug;148(2):e2021052582. doi: 10.1542/peds.2021-052582. PMID: 34312296.
While I hope you enjoy reading my posts, kindly be advised that the words in this article are not medical advice and I cannot guarantee that they will work for you or your family. They are my reflections on parenting my three boys, based on my own personal background and experiences. Always reach out to your own health professionals for any questions or concerns. Please read my full disclosure at the bottom of this site for more information. Very sincerely, Mamma P.
