Every year, as the air feels crisp, pumpkin lattes are being served, and apple picking is on my list of things to do, I start feeling the nostalgia of my childhood. Fall does that to me. Pumpkins, apples, cozy sweaters, football, and warm meals brings me back to when I was a little girl growing up in a big family on a farm.
And now, decades later, our family has grown even bigger. My parents, siblings and I, with our significant others and children, have grown so much, we could fill up a school bus. But with so many people in my family and so many different routines, weekend plans, and miles between us, it can make staying connected tricky. Still, maintaining these connections is incredibly important to me, my husband, and my kids.
If you have explored my blog, you know that I frequently share the emerging evidence for why strong relationships are so important for the healthy growth and development of children. And there’s evidence they are important for us as adults too.
I find the evidence for safe, stable, and nurturing relationships to be so compelling that providing my children with these relationships is just as much a priority to me as making sure my kids eat a good variety of foods, sleep through the night, and get outside to play. In an article published on healthychildren.org, one of my favorite websites for parents, the article references a recent AAP report that notes, “When children feel connected and supported in the early years…they are more likely to become healthy, competent and educated citizens later in life.”1 Furthermore, there is emerging evidence according to the CDC that, “Safe, stable, and nurturing relationships may shield children against poor health later in life.”2 Adult illnesses such as diabetes and heart disease are being linked to early childhood stressors but strong relationships with a safe, trusted adult, can be a protective factor.
Strong relationships with their parents, caregivers, families, and communities is instrumental for the healthy growth and development of children. And it is because of this emerging evidence and the need for parental support that I began my blog last year. It is because of this that I write about the importance of having a village to raise our children in.
I really believe that when parents have support, they are more likely to be caregivers who can provide their children with greater opportunities for safe, stable, and nurturing relationships between themselves and their children, and between their children and the community that surrounds them. Children need many trusted adults they can count on and feel safe with and connected to, people they can turn to throughout their life for comfort, conversation, and compassion. Evidence suggests, and I really believe, these positive social connections are necessary for our children.
But maintaining these strong connections with our often fast paced lifestyles can be hard. And many extended family members live far away. So how do we, despite vast obstacles, maintain and still grow those connections?
As the holidays quickly approach, and our families traditions and upcoming gatherings, that often effortlessly aid in promoting these strong connections, are within our grasp, I am excited for the opportunity to catch up with loved ones who live far away. I look forward to my children spending time with them. Our vast traditions, many that span decades, are important occasions for instilling a rich sense of belonging in our children, further promoting a sense of security and identity in the comfortable predictability of the seasons. My children need this time together with the people who love them unconditionally but who may not be a hop, skip, and a jump away.
But even as the holidays approach, we know these “home for the holidays” visits may not be smooth. With travel during the holidays expensive and laborious, the threat of flight delays or illnesses can take those opportunities right out of our grasp. And even when everyone arrives, having young children, sometimes it’s hard for me as a parent to indulge in the family updates at gatherings as I chase after my little ones. Cutting up their food into little bits at meals and making sure we head out for a nap or bedtime before the meltdown hits, can interfere with the moments I might otherwise be catching up and really connecting over adult conversation or sitting down to read a book to my niece or nephew. My kids running here and there may not have a quiet moment to connect with family themselves, enjoying a story together, building a snowman, or indulging in a cup of warm cocoa and conversation.
Sometimes, even when we were all together, I still feel out of the loop. And yet, I want to know what is happening in their lives. I can’t help but think if I feel this way when I live here surrounded by so much family — how might my family who lives far away feel?
There is also the pressure as everyone arrives to make up for lost time, packing in all of the traditions and events we don’t get to do throughout the rest of the year. As we prep the roast and stir the sauce, we may not even credit ourselves with the important role we have as the safe and trusted adults in the lives of the children around us. As we follow our holiday itineraries and prepare desserts, sometimes holidays can also become more about survival than connecting. Many of us may not even be thinking about how important these gatherings are for our relationships. How important they are not only for the children in our lives, but for us too.
Still, I’m forever an optimist and the ultimate holiday “Cheermeister,” so I am still immensely excited for this year’s holiday season and all of the fun that it will bring. All of the opportunities that we will have to connect with one another through all of our traditions.
But what about the rest of the year — the rest of the seasons? How do we maintain these connections both near and far despite all of the “busy?” How can we stay connected throughout the year, reminding those trusted adults in our children’s lives that we love both near and far, how critical their relationships are with our children? How much they matter. How can we feel connected despite the miles between us, putting less pressure on those few times a year we see each other, often during the bustle of the holidays?
Many families have text threads, mine included, with the adults. But most children are not commonly part of that. Likely, it’s not even appropriate for them to be on it. Children’s daily activities and events may be posted for family to see in a virtual album or on social media, but a response of “Congratulations” and other positive commentary may never make it back to our children. Therefore, our children never get to feel that response, that joy, that connection. It doesn’t reinforce that their aunt or uncle experienced their own joy, watching their niece or nephew dress up and walk in a Halloween parade or dress up and head out with friends for a homecoming dance. It doesn’t reinforce the connection between a child and a trusted family member.
FaceTime has been an incredible way to connect and see each other’s faces and expressions but once a chubby little hand pushes that inevitable “red button,” it’s so long until next time.
So how else can we maintain these connections throughout the year, anticipating the holidays and birthdays, while also ensuring our family story is shared with the ones we love most throughout the year? How can we provide our children with something visual and concrete that reinforces their family traditions and their sense of identity and belonging, even with family that spans many miles away?
Several years ago, I started a family newsletter. It’s a seasonal newsletter that I often wrote a few times a year. I loved sending it through snail mail but sometimes I texted my older nieces and nephews a copy, instead, trying to communicate in whatever way I thought it would reach them.
At first, I wasn’t sure how well received it was. But after taking a few years off from writing my seasonal newsletter, there was a popular request to have it come back. There was a request for the seasonal newsletter to go back to print.
A few pages of photos from our most recent times together. A list of upcoming birthdays and family gatherings, events to look forward to, and a narrative of some of positive family updates that may not have otherwise been circulated through the family. An opportunity to connect throughout the seasons.
I started several years ago by reaching out to members of my family and asking for updates about their kids, their work, and their general lives. I included suggestions for new traditions and how to tweak our old ones to have a smoother holiday. I decided to include family recipes after hosting everyone at my house one Sunday to learn how to make my mom’s lasagna. We cooked together, we took pictures, and we finally wrote down that recipe — which included using enough spice to “cover the top.” “Covering the top,” is an official cooking measurement in my family. That recipe had to be included.
In this newsletter to my immediate family, I include upcoming birthdays with the hopes it prompts a few more messages to my loved ones on their special day. Our schedules are busy and just as Facebook prompts many of us of birthdays, this newsletter is a reminder of an important day in our family.
I include birthday parties in case someone missed a message that came through the group text. It’s easy to do with ten to twenty people on a thread, especially when people start playfully bantering back and forth. It’s also a reminder in case someone forgot to put it on the calendar. In my own home, it shows my children, their family knows their special day is coming up. Just seeing that day on a newsletter sent to our family, can make my children’s faces light up.
I also include holidays and our plans for each celebration. Important dates like cookie exchanges and who plans on hosting the popular holidays for the season. I’ve included some traditional holiday family recipes, in case someone living far away wants to include it in their celebration. It’s also a chance for us to hold onto those recipes now and not regret never asking for them. I note who plans on bringing what to each gathering so we know who is responsible for ensuring we have all of the staples — all of the traditional foods that make up our festive feast. My children look forward to this as they run down a list of all of the foods they remember having at each holidays, hoping our table with include each one. It’s not just eating them that they enjoy, it’s the tradition of it, the planning for it and the preparing of it. We find comfort in knowing that the lasagna we now all know how to make, will be on our table for Christmas dinner.
And as I am recording upcoming holiday plans, birthday parties, and other events, I find myself trying to come up with a time to host a pizza night, just as my son is asking for a family movie night. The act of sitting down and looking at our calendar and sending out these notices, prompts more ideas for opportunities to get together.
Sports schedules, upcoming school plays, and concerts for my children, my nieces, and nephews, often find their way on the newsletters too. It’s far easier to make it to a game or performance, if we have the schedules in front of us. An opportunity to support them and take part in their interests.
And finally, as I wrap up the newsletter, I include quotes about family or silly one liners from one of my kids.
I don’t spend a lot of time on this newsletter, a few hours max. But it’s an important investment to me. I remember as a child who showed up to my events. I remember who came to support me and who had a positive impact on me. I remember the birthday cards and the well wishes. And I think our children, including adolescents and young adults, can really benefit from more support from trusted adults, more people cheering them on.
It’s a positive newsletter. It’s never meant to embarrass anyone. It’s never gossipy or meant to divulge family secrets. I am respectful in what I share and ask for permission and input from my family. It’s a few pages typed out to highlight the information that we would all know if we were getting together for weekly Sunday meals.
And its kid-friendly. I want my kids, my nieces and nephews, to see it and read it.
So, if you have ever found out about an award one of your family members received months later wishing you could have been part of the celebrations. If you have ever missed out on seeing your nephew play in one of his lacrosse tournaments, just as you learn the season is coming to a close. Or if you ever felt left out of the loop from the causal family updates that take place at gatherings you aren’t privy to living out-of-state? Well, then your family may need a newsletter. A couple of pages in print that highlight the really great happenings in your family — the ones that make you feel proud, connected, and a sense of belonging. If your family is a positive part of your life, your family newsletter is going to be the piece of news you look forward to writing or receiving.
It’s not a newsfeed that people scroll through, it’s your families’ story. And you all get to take part in telling it, and perhaps sharing the responsibility for writing it. It’s really a matter of organizing important date and including a few positive updates in the family. A compiled list of future dates to look forward to, and a collection of family recipes to savor.
Our lives are pulled in so many directions as we all disperse into our day to day lives of work, school, activities, and errands, the notorious hustle and bustle of lives. But a family newsletter is an opportunity to connect us all, including our children. It provides us the reassurance that we are still together, still supportive, still unconditionally loving one another, even when we are a part.
References:
- https://www.healthychildren.org/English/news/Pages/Safe-Stable-Relationships-Prevent-Toxic-Stress.aspx
- Creating Positive Experiences for Your Infant: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Creating-Positive-Experiences-for-Your-Infant.aspx
- Creating Positive Experiences for Toddlers and Preschool-Age Children: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Creating-Positive-Experiences-for-Toddlers-%26-Preschool-Age-Children.aspx
- Creating Positive Experiences for School Age Children: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Creating-Positive-Experiences-for-School-Age-Children.aspx
- Creating Positive Experiences for Teens: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Creating-Positive-Experiences-for-Teens.aspx
- https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/healthy_infants.html
