If you’ve read my blog over the past few years, you know I believe wholeheartedly in children feeling like they have a sense of belonging within their families, their friendships, and their communities. I write about the importance of incorporating children in chores and traditions, keeping them included and letting them know that what they contribute really matters.
The same is true for sports — kids want and need to feel like they belong. And that’s one of the really special parts of being part of a team — the opportunity to build a sense of community, a sense of belonging. When children see their names on a roster, they know they are part of that team — they belong.
There’s uniforms, team dinners, and team cheers. And children sitting with their team on the sideline, sit together working towards a common goal — to win!
Watching a team in uniform together, huddled in for a cheer, creates a sense of pride that’s palpable. Friendships are born as the ball is thrown back and forth, and there’s the possibility some of these friendships begin to feel a bit more like family, especially as kids grow and teams begin to travel. With extended family often living far away and not within the same towns and villages anymore, a strong sense of community within a team can be really important for some families. Coming together to cheer a team on has a way of unifying people who might otherwise share very different philosophies in life. Watching your kids play together, seeing them celebrate wins and bear tough losses together, has a way of pulling on heartstrings that only parents in the thick of it can understand. You are all in it together. You all belong.
Growing up, I’ll never forget the years where it seemed like my entire town showed up to watch my brothers’ play football at the state finals. Separated by over a decade, I can remember watching my older brothers as a young girl and my youngest brother as a young adult. I wasn’t on the field, I wasn’t even a parent, and yet I still felt a strong sense of pride and community in those stands. Sports can bring together entire communities, making everyone feel like they belong.
But as competition has grown, now more than ever, it is the responsibility of everyone on the team, coaches, teammates, and supporting family, to ensure that each child wearing that uniform, continues to feel like they belong — throughout the season, win or lose.
For some kids, they have the opportunity to play with the same kids and coaches for years. They have the chance to build strong ties with many other families who offer car pools and help navigate the logistics of kids in sports — the schedule, the uniforms, the travel, the off season, and the inevitable highs and lows.
But for other kids, they never get that opportunity. High costs for some of these teams, intense schedules, and fierce competition can leave some kids not able to participate or cut after tryouts. Some children, at a young age, will experience the loss of a community when they are not brought back the next year. It hurts. There’s a sense of loss, not just of the sport, but of the community.
Within towns and villages, we also see many different teams of children from all over. We have gone from teams built by children within their hometown, supporting neighbors, and cheering on the kids next door to weeding kids out for the ultimate measure of success — winning. We have gone from learning who is a good coach by how they can take the kids who show up to play, and take them to a championship — to selecting and coaching the kids we know can win a championship from the beginning.
But is that really what sports are meant to teach our kids? That we can only be successful when the odds are in our favor? That the measure of success, is winning, even if it means leaving our friends and neighbors behind.
Just a few days ago, my husband was commenting on his favorite NFL team and how they have lost a lot of key players. I responded with a wave of optimism — the really great coaches, the really great leaders on a team, can take that group to the championship. I reminded him, it is not always just the talent, but the heart on a team. And I think we need to remind ourselves of that as our own kids take the field.
Sports have an incredible opportunity to teach our children grit, hard work, resilience, — and heart. But we have to be sure, with the level of competition that youth sports breathe today, that the competition isn’t extinguishing — their heart. We have to be sure that without cheering on our neighbor next door, we aren’t losing the desire to protect each other on a team, to support each other, and to lift each other up.
We also need to be mindful of creating opportunities for all children to play. We have to advocate that our local recreational centers are offering opportunities for all kids to get involved, in a positive and supportive environment.
I’ve stepped onto a golf course and a paddle court for the first time as an adult. I’ve never been great with hand and eye coordination, but the opportunity to get some exercise while socializing with friends and meeting new people, has pushed me to leave my own comfort zone. As a parent, I really encourage my own kids to do the same and I think we should be giving all kids the same opportunity. Who knows which children might need that physical outlet and sense of community to turn to when they face hardships.
Whether it’s sports, or really ANY extracurricular activities, we need to be fostering environments where they build a sense of community — and not just for the kids who are the “best.” But for the kids who want a chance to kick a ball, shoot some hoops, and swing a bat in a constructive, supportive, and positive way.
By having so many travel teams and so many different options for player development within the current model, we do risk that it all continues to become more decentralized. But as parents and coaches, it is our responsibility to advocate for programs beyond just those for the competitive athletes and to strongly build a sense of belonging and community within those programs.
Research has shown that being part of a sports teams is positive for both the physical and mental health of children so we must advocate for children to have the opportunity, regardless of their stats and records. Kids need a place to play.
And we have to be careful to not prioritize winning over the need for a sense of belonging and community. The more players are shuffled, the more kids can begin to believe that it is to each their own, it becomes more focused on the individual than the team. But children need to learn to work together like a team. They need to learn to accept help and support from a team. They need to learn to teach the other children on their team struggling with a skill, how to get better, rather than just focusing on the fine tuning of their own skills. It’s a team mentality they must develop. The lessons they learn as children on a team, is their playground for learning lessons they will need to carry with them for life.
Building a sense of belonging and community is essential for a team to be truly successful. A win doesn’t matter, if you’ve left children behind. A win isn’t as gratifying if children sit on the bench feeling it didn’t matter whether they showed up or not. Sports are meant to build confidence, but they only build the confidence of the really skilled players when we don’t include the importance of building a team and a sense of belonging and community — for everyone. In fact, they have the possibility of shaking a kid’s confidence when a child who is struggling with their skill is not made to feel part of the team. When coaches, teammates, and a children themselves doubt their abilities, it shakes their confidence — they no longer feel like they belong. The sport and the team, then doesn’t just lead to a decrease in confidence, those children begin to feel left out and isolated. It makes kids feel sad and alone — and that doesn’t build resiliency.
V.J. Stanley, an author of three youth sports books, states in an article for Youth Sports Psychology, that kids 10 and younger should have equal play time, it helps build community. “We want to teach the idea of community, and using community to lift the group,” he says. When young kids’ sports teams focus on equal play, the kids help each other out. “The group in itself starts to lift up.” More experienced or talented players help out and teach the kids who are younger and less experienced. This lays a foundation of confidence in younger kids.” He further adds, building community helps give kids a peace of mind.
Kids need that. And it’s not just up to the coaches to make these decisions. It’s up to us as parents to be teaching our kids who have the skills, to teach their teammates, to lift up their teammates. It’s also up to us to advocate to coaches for equal playing time for kids. We can’t just cheer the wins on the sidelines, we have to be the community that supports ALL the kids from the sidelines. We are the foundation for those kids, we stand side by side, supporting them — and we need to support ALL of them.
And because parenting is never within one dimension, while we are working to advocate for opportunities for all kids to play, let’s not forget it’s also crucial that we build communities that support them beyond their sports. When I was growing up, it used to be referred to as being, “well rounded.” And then it became, “over scheduled,” as the activities kids did demanded more time. But there is something to be said for having a strong tie to at least a few communities — it helps to weather the loss of one. For kids involved in one specific sport all year around, I worry for them. I worry that they could be one injury away from losing their whole sense of self, feelings of belonging, and their sense of community.
I also worry a bit that the sports world is not always one we can trust. It has become very competitive and is not based on the typical foundations of community — protecting each other and sticking together. Sometimes it comes down to winning — stats and records take the priority over community. When a child isn’t “performing,” it can feel like the team turns their back on that child in support of more valuable players. It’s not always built with a sense of unconditional belonging, trust, and respect. And that’s the piece we don’t have control over as parents. We will not be able to control teams that decide to cut a player that was on the team the year before to make space for a player who has a better performance today. We can’t control a coach that opts to take another player when a child is injured. We might encounter a coach who supports our children when they are down and gives a great pep talk, or we might encounter a coach that offers sprints and boisterous comments when our children miss a play. That piece is out of our control. Sports are not an unconditional community — they are not there for kids through thick and thin. Sports are very much there for you to celebrate your successes, but can leave you in your struggles.
And so, while sports can offer a sense of community, to truly strengthen children’s resiliency, we must build up their communities beyond sports.
As I plan activities for my own kids, I try to make sure they are well balanced with opportunities that challenge them in other ways and build communities outside of sports. Even during busy sports seasons, my kids continue to be actively involved in our family. They help with meal prep, chores like laundry, and planning activities together. They need to be engaged with our family, eating at least some meals together, and celebrating important events. They need time to focus on their school work and they have to have other hobbies. Whether that’s music or art, I always encourage my kids to have a creative outlet, something else they can do when sports isn’t there, or suddenly has to come to a halt due to an injury. I encourage them to be active with other friends outside of a team, to build relationships that go beyond the sport. This all takes time which can be tough during busy seasons but it’s a foundation that is built over time. I know that during the peak times of the season, some of this is not going to happen, but kids need breaks in between. They can’t always be picking up the extra camps and clinics, those are the times they need to recover and process and build community beyond the sport.
They must have an identity beyond their role as a member of a team. There’s too much fluidity in teams, too much mobility and strategy. And I think getting comfortable with changes and being flexible is an important skill, but with the foundation of a sense of belonging and community that extends beyond that.
My son came home the other night telling me about a kid on his team who was having a tough time with a particular skill at practice. I responded with, “Well you’ve had people help you with your skills. Maybe you need to get together and help him.”
“Yea, Mommy, I know. If everyone just keeps getting better, we will have an even better team.”
That’s the kind of kids we need. The ones that support each other, cheer for each other, and know that it’s not about their individual strengths — it’s about using their own strengths to support each other and the team. On and off the field. Imagine a generation of kids who grow up not focusing on others’ weaknesses, but using their strengths to support each other. Just imagine — the hope in that.
With the competition and emphasis on talent and winning, youth sports are creating an environment where kids spend a lot of time focused on their own individual skills. That’s natural given the current culture. But it’s our job as parents and coaches to remind them that each team they are on is a community. Each team is filled with kids who want to play, — and who want to belong.
Below I included some tips for how to build community within a team.
Build a sense of community from the start.
- Introduce yourself to the coach & to the other parents at practices & games.
- Bring toys or coloring books for younger siblings to play with, offer to let other parents’ kids play with your kids and their toys.
- Bring an extra chair & offer it to another parent to sit down.
Host a team bonding experience outside of the sports program.
- Kids need an opportunity to gather together without so much pressure. It doesn’t need to be a party at your house. It can be gathering for a hike or meeting up at a playground.
- Some kids are quieter and maybe they aren’t the strongest players on the team, but they are really good at miniature golf, hiking, fishing, or Mario Kart. Explore opportunities to give kids confidence on and off the field, building strong ties with their teammates without needing to perform.
- If you are a parent that receives an invite to join a team off the field, go. Even if it’s not your thing, even if you are incredibly busy, send another parent, grandparent, or your child’s fun uncle. But have them go, let them build a sense of community.
Divide and conquer.
- Find adults you trust and offer to carpool. It’s always more fun for kids to ride together. Sometimes it has a way of relaxing kids before an event to have a buddy.
- Bring a cooler of water bottles and some snacks — bonus if they are free of the most common allergens like popsicles, orange slices, or packaged snacks without the most common allergens. A bottle of water will ease a parent who forgot one, a quick snack will ease another parent who didn’t have time to grab one. Keep the cooler or snack bag in your car and grab water bottles and an ice pack to restock on your way out, just like you would your child’s sports gear. Make it part of your routine whenever you can.
Send schedules to grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors — anyone close to your child.
- It can be a big deal for kids to feel the support of extended family and friends.
- Bringing the other communities they have a strong foundation in, can help them in building new ones.
Teach your child to be part of the community.
- If your child excels at a particular skill, have them lift up other teammates and show them that skill. Have them practice with them outside of the typical team practices. Teach your child how to lead a team, not just be the team.
Resources:
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/news/Pages/AAP-Encourages-Organized-Sports.aspx
