I always said I would never do it. I even bought a book several years ago entitled The Over-Scheduled Child, which I’ve actually never read. Because I was never going to do it. Extracurricular activities are important to both myself and my husband and we want our kids immersed in them. But we were never going to over-schedule our kids.
“Over-scheduling” is likely a matter of opinion and open to interpretation within each family. But for my family, not over-scheduling our kids meant each kid could do one sport a season, never two. It meant we wouldn’t have an activity every day or night of the week. And certainly, we would never have more than one activity on the same day. Sundays were off limits.
But then I went ahead and I did it. I over-scheduled us. I scheduled my kids for more than one sport this spring season, and we have something every single night of the week.
Hearing about this, my husband gave me a hard time — as he should have. I said I would never do it. We said we never do it.
Yet, despite years ago vowing I wouldn’t, and a bookshelf lined with information spewing on why not to over-schedule your child, I went ahead and I did it. I packed our schedule to the brim.
I know the effects over-scheduling can have on a kid and their family and here I was purposely doing it. I was even proud of myself for it as I reviewed our spring line-up with my husband.
This springs line-up includes travel soccer, baseball, T-ball, flag football, a weekly soccer clinic, piano lessons, and golf lessons. Some of them are once week, two of them are several times a week. It. Is. BUSY!
So why? Why did I do it? Why did I change my parenting stance on over-scheduling?
Because parenting has never fit into a box for me. And I am constantly challenging myself and how I approach parenting. And it’s my strength.
I am a forever student when it comes to learning parenting skills, taking in the evidence, and looking at the pros and cons of different approaches. I am continuously looking to understand my children and what they need within the context of what our family unit needs. Over-scheduling by itself seems like a bad idea but when I put it into the context of everything going on within our family this spring and some of the benefits having a full schedule for a short period of time can have, I decided perhaps tweaking our approach to over-scheduling might ultimately benefit us — for a short period of time, anyway.
When it comes to parenting, I am constantly reassessing what my kids individually need and how to keep the flow of our family dynamics smoothly running. And so, while I never thought I would over-schedule my kids, it was in fact, well thought out. I learned very early on that one of the keys of parenting for me is being flexible about my approach and changing it up based on my family’s needs. I only hope I keep this mentality thirty years from now as my kids begin to raise their own families and things change when it comes to parenting as new evidence comes out, challenging many of the things I’m probably thinking I’m doing correctly right now. Understanding my children and their own individual family needs when I’m a grandparent, will be very important in maintaining relationships with my kids once they have their own families.
But back from the future, and straight on into today. When it comes down to my own family and our bustling schedule for this spring, I turned to my critic husband and said, “I have a plan.” Of course, he knows, I always have a plan.
And for this spring, I wanted to look at the benefits of over-scheduling and see what our family might gain from it. He was skeptical. And I can’t blame him, we literally have something every day of the week after school and work, and then you add in attending church and other family and peer events on the weekends. Throw in holidays and birthday parties and this schedule is literally bursting at the seams. Everyone has a different color on the calendar and that rainbow graffiti on my calendar lights up the whole week!
But hear me out.
I’m not saying we aren’t going to be exhausted. Or that we won’t miss a few practices to make a few other games and events. I’m not saying we won’t take a night off when I can see we all need it. And I’m not even saying we are all going to enjoy it. We may never do this much again in one season. And as I look to our summer, I know we are going to slow things down and regroup as a family.
But for this spring, I decided my strategy made sense. And here’s why.
1. Friendship
For starters, many of my boys’ friends are playing the same sports. And they want to see their friends and feel included. At five and seven years old, they are in the process of building a village of peers that they will thrive with over the years and I want them to have vast opportunities to build those friendships.
Over the years, I have tried to make our family home a gathering place. Typically, I organize playdates and backyard games with their friends. Whether its “summer camp,” scavenger hunts, throwing the football, or games of tag with their friends, I usually try to get them together with their friends at our home as often as I can. But this spring it was going to be harder for us to do that. So I wanted my kids to have other opportunities to get together with their friends, catching up on the sidelines and during carpools. We are fortunate to have many friends and family members who have offered to help with carpools. Even my youngest son has a chance to catch up with extended family who have generously offered to help drive him to his weekly music class.
This busy schedule of games and practices also promotes friendship for me, my husband, and collectively our family. While my oldest plays on the field, it affords his younger siblings a chance to play with their peers on the sidelines. They run around and play tag and other games, exploring and engaging in free play making new friends and solidifying old friendships along the way. Our neighborhood has a few kids, but not many, so this affords my kids the opportunity to gather in one place with many of their friends and play in a safe place with their parents surrounding them. And as parents, we look out for each other’s kids. It’s an incredible sense of community sitting on those sidelines.
It also gives me an opportunity to catch up with other parents and form new friendships of my own and solidify old ones. I have gotten to know my children’s friends and their parents through many of the gatherings in my own home but I’ve also found the sidelines to be a great place to make new friends and catch up with other ones. Establishing strong relationships with my children’s friends and their families is very important to me, especially as I continue to learn about how important these relationships are for the health of my children, my family, and myself. And, I think these relationships with their friends and their families will be even more important as my kids grow into their teenage years.
Through coaching, my husband has also formed new friendships and gotten to know many of the kids that my children go to school with. Coaching is an opportunity to work together with other parents to teach young kids fundamentals, in a fun and engaging manner. He also is incredibly positive with the kids he coaches and my hope is he is drawing kids to like the sports they play.
I’ve always wanted a strong sense of community for my kids and that neighborhood “feel,” where we watch over each other’s kids and enjoy seeing them grow together. Being on the sidelines gives me that sense of community, especially when it’s harder to get everyone together at my home.
2. Learning To Prioritize
When my boys were young, I didn’t want to promote one sport over another. I wanted to see where their natural abilities were, how they progressed in their development, and most importantly, their own interests. I wanted to let that guide their selection of sports rather than my own intentions or my husbands. I thought letting them try one sport a season would help tease that out. However, even after a few years of sports, my oldest son still wants to do everything. So I thought immersing him in many sports at once, might help him to not only see how demanding it is to do everything, but also let him decide which ones he really enjoys the most. Does he get really excited for soccer games, but seems to be less ambitious for baseball and piano? It could backfire and he could still love it all and want to always do everything, but I do think it will help us prioritize which sports and extracurriculars he enjoys the most.
It’s also an opportunity for my kids to learn to juggle and to learn to say no themselves. If I say no to specific sports, I may keep them from an opportunity they might have really enjoyed, excelled at, and found to be a positive part of their life. I have said no before, and I probably will again, but for this spring, this is their opportunity to see why we can’t “do all the things” and how to make tough decisions about what’s important to them versus me making the decision about what fits into our schedule. They will have to make decisions about attending one event over another. Learning to prioritize and juggle a busy schedule is challenging for many adults and I thought it might be a good lesson for them to learn for young, how to say no to some obligations. I also think when kids decide not to continue to pursue a sport, it can feel like quitting. But if it’s because it’s too busy and was too hard to fit it all in, it actually becomes prioritizing one activity over another, rather than quitting. It just feels better when it’s phrased that way. I think it will also set them up as they grow into adults that they don’t have to feel like they a failure if they can’t do it all, I’m helping them to have more realistic expectations of themselves as they get older. We can’t do it all. There are no Super Moms.
I may not have planned to include quite so many activities in one season but sometimes great opportunities just seem to fall into place all at once. We have all been there when we had to take on more than we wanted for a short period so we didn’t miss out on another great opportunity. I remember training for the Boston Marathon during my first year of medical school. It was intense, for a short period of time. I had to say no to some outings with friends and other obligations but for the short period, it was worth the busy schedule to accomplish a huge goal of mine. And this spring, it seemed some of the activities my kids have been begging to do over the past year, all suddenly became possible this spring. All at once.
After over a year of conversations about when my oldest son could play football, I finally found a flag football league he could join that worked for us. After months of him feeling like I wasn’t listening to him, and that I was perhaps blowing him off on his interest to play football, we finally found a compromise with flag football. I agreed the next league that he was eligible for that fit our schedule, I would sign him up. So, to show my son I will honor my word, and that I do in fact listen to him, flag football was also added to the schedule this spring, which was important for our relationship. He needs to know he can trust my word when I agree to something important to him.
For my younger son, it was piano lessons that was added to our schedule. He has been asking me for well over a year and I was finally able to register him. Once my oldest got wind of it, he wanted to try lessons as well so piano times two was added to the schedule. But you know what? Piano lessons have been a huge confidence booster for my kids and I can see they have helped them in other aspects. Excelling in one area has had rippling positive effects on other parts of their life. In some ways, piano lessons made aspects of our life easier. Even if it meant blocking off an hour and carting them both ways.
And there you have it, another registration, another deposit — but it’s all part of the plan.
3. Trying Something New
My older two will also be doing a few golf lessons this spring and it’s really just to give them a flavor for it. It’s also because this summer they will be doing a camp that includes golf and I want them to have some exposure to it before they show up on the first day.
My kids like to know what to expect (most kids do) and with camp already coming with its own array of transitions, including a new environment, new friends, new activities, new counselors, and lots of unknown expectations, I wanted them to feel comfortable in at least a few of the skills they would be learning. I wanted to them to be able to build on some of them rather than trying much of it out for the first time on day 1. I wanted to take the guess work out of a game they’ve never played and at least have someone help them learn to hold a club before the first day among their peers. It’s three lessons and much more about exposing them to something new in short spurts rather than aimed at making them golf pros.
Trying something new can be hard and I think doing it in the setting of a few lessons in case they don’t like it and while doing other sports and activities they excel at and enjoy like piano, might help ease some of the challenges of learning something new. We’ll see how it goes.
4. A Busy Schedule Is Giving Us Routine
Kids thrive on routine! And while this might seem like too much for our routine, before our house transitions to summer, our home this spring is going to be going through another big transition and man, it’s already extremely busy around here. So with a lot of our typical routine shifted, having these activities scheduled, helps to still keep a sense of routine in our home.
My oldest is also the kind of kid who is the “fixer.” The one who when he sees his younger brothers are tantruming, will step in and try to fix it. When the milk spills, he’s the first to grab the paper towels. As the oldest, he is naturally driven to be the responsible one, wanting to keep order in the home, and helping to clean up any messes along the way. And with a transition among a house full of kids, there’s going to be a lot of messes to clean-up! There’s going to be more meltdowns from everyone. And my seven year old will want to fix it all. He’s really an incredible kid and loves to take care of his younger siblings.
BUT, he’s also seven. And he doesn’t need to be the fixer. He needs to be a kid. He takes on so much responsibility and while he’s incredibly helpful, I also want him to take on less, to have fun, and to be busy this spring in a routine full of activities he enjoys and can have fun in. I don’t want him constantly feeling like he has to step in and “fix” things to keep his younger brothers from fighting with each other over the wrong color cup. I know those behaviors will increase this spring and I know we can manage them. But I also know, if I don’t have another plan, my oldest is going to try to solve it all. I appreciate his maturity and independence every day in so many ways and I know he is learning valuable skills for his own family someday, but he’s got a lot of years ahead to practice those skills and fine tune them. He doesn’t need a crash course in it right now.
Our schedule is bursting.
So what about down time and free play you might wonder? My kids will get it. I am very certain I will hear how bored they are at least several times a week. And we’ll all head to the backyard to play throughout the week after school. And within these busy schedules are also opportunities for connection and free play. In the past, I have brought books for my younger kids while my oldest practices and I’ve gotten more reading time in than if I was home distracted by clutter. My oldest brings a book to read while his brother has his piano lesson. And we have also met some friends at playgrounds or had them over for playdates before practices and games because it’s easy, we are all heading that way any way. Sometimes we even order a pizza to the playground or have a friend stay for dinner before heading to practice. There’s an important sense of community in these busy nights, a divide and conquer of moms tying shoe laces for one kid while three others are making sure the group of kids safely navigate the parking lot. These busy nights are building our village. It’s not one mom running around. I repeat, there’s no Super Moms. There ARE incredible teams made up of moms.
And I’m fully prepared to tell my kids when we all need a night off. An important skill we all need to be able to do — take a night off when we need to and sometimes, when we want to. We have prioritized family holiday dinners over some sporting events, sometimes even at the request of my kids, in the past and I know we will this spring. Watching my son giggle at the table and connect with his grandparents over a game of St. Patrick’s Day bingo last month, I remembered thinking, skipping the sporting event was the right call. That was the balance he needed rather than heading off to another game.
I also hope they will learn “the juggle” and how to say no. My hope is being over-scheduled actually will allow for more opportunities for us to check in and think about where we need to say no.
Sometimes by the time we are adults, we don’t know how or when to say no. Sometimes when we are over-scheduled we think we have to adhere to the schedule. But by purposely over-scheduling this spring, its part of my strategy to take kids who may have grown into people pleasers and help them navigate saying no, helping them to read when their bodies and minds need a break. These are invaluable lessons and while my kids are learning the skills of baseball, soccer, football, piano, and golf, I hope they are also going to learn skills they need to be part of a family in transition and the skills they need to navigate a busy schedule as an adult.
I am taking this on full well knowing that to get them from A to B is going to be a juggle, it’s going to be relying on friends and family for carpools but that is building our community. It means I’m going to get more comfortable asking for help, and as parents, we need to be more comfortable asking for help. I also enjoy the carpools I provide, listening to the conversations between my kids and their friends.
Going to and fro from all of these busy events will be exhausting but I’ll also catch a smiling face and wave as I pass a friend on their way home or a familiar face on the field and catch-up, lifting my mood and giving me a boost for the day. The opportunity to help a friend out with a carpool when their husband isn’t available, while feeling supported when I need help, brings a breadth of positivity to an otherwise potentially overwhelming day. And so, my greatest hope in this busy schedule is that my kids see how their mom builds a strong support system for them and our family, helping them to see the path to building their own village that will support their family someday.
So, this spring, I’m going to step out of my comfort zone and out of the box and try something new. I’m going to look at the perks of over-scheduling, carefully, and as it relates to building our community, giving us a sense of routine during an otherwise potentially chaotic time, and most importantly, showing my kids I listen to them and value their opinions which is important for our relationship.
There’s a lot published about the consequences of over-scheduling. There’s also a lot published about the importance of sports and extra-curricular activities and the importance of having a strong support system and strong relationships for families. So, at the potential cost of over-scheduling, I’m filling up our spring with possibilities to grow our support system and find out which activities work best for my boys.
This isn’t going to be our typical spring going forward and it could very well be a disaster in the end but it’s an experiment. It’s been well thought out, carefully mapped out on our schedule, and we will see how it goes.
Parenting doesn’t fit into a box. I have to look at the needs of each of my children, who they are, their strengths and challenges, and constantly be able to navigate changing things up when we need to. It truly is one of my strengths in parenting — to take the evidence provided on parenting and apply it to my own family, while also being amenable to changing things up. I can take my prior thoughts about over-scheduling and challenge them when the evidence for building a community is strong and many of the activities filing our schedule are important for building the village that supports us.
And honestly, while there’s a lot more on our schedule than usual, over-scheduling is likely more of a term that applies when kids are burned out, stressed out, or not able to engage in free play — and I don’t think we will end up there. I’m going to be watching all of us for signs of that very closely, and if it’s starting to happen, we will pull back. It will be a good lesson in knowing when to say no, when to re-prioritize. Sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet will all still be prioritized. But as I read more and more about how important strong relationships with trusted family, friends, and members of our communities are for our health, filling our schedules with opportunities for growing those relationships is also important and will be prioritized.
I’m aiming to balance a busy schedule with opportunities for social connection and other positive lessons that a busy schedule for a short period of time can teach us. And I’m excited to see how it goes!
In the last year, I started a blog, I went back to work while my husband ramped up at work, and our family started going back to the way things were pre-pandemic with travel and weekend plans that had previously been far less busy over the two years prior. We have also had lots of added stressors in between and in preparing for yet another transition this spring, I know the way we managed and thrived despite it all was through the support of our village. Our families, our friends, our neighbors, and our school and work communities. It was through the strong connections and relationships we have built over the years, and that we continued to build this past year, that our family was able to thrive.
And as I wrap up this spring’s theme later in the season, I’ll post an update. I’ll tell you what worked and what flopped.
Here’s to warmer weather, tulips blossoming, and the sunshine coming out from the clouds. It’s going to be a beautiful spring! And, a much slower summer!
Here’s a link to an article about children’s activities and family well-being and a link to the benefits of sports.
XOXO,
