One thing many people can count on during the holidays is some degree of conflict. Scrolling, my instagram is full of ways to troubleshoot it. Many dietitians are giving phrases to combat picky eating in kids when relatives comment. Experts in toddler development are giving suggestions for how to decrease stress and avoid meltdowns. Psychologists are offering phrases for how to connect with kids you don’t see often. And many moms are supporting each other in reinforcing the need for boundaries and saying no to yet another gathering if it puts too much strain on the family.
Many of these posts are really helpful. I particularly enjoyed reading about how to better connect with children, questions to ask that go beyond, “How’s school?” Even if I couldn’t remember them two days later. I really do need to go back and read that post again.
But I’m not sure how much of it addresses conflict resolution and really finding peace in prioritizing your family at the holidays. How we let go of the guilt. Many of these posts still seem to have an air of frustration and annoyance threaded through them. Sure they offer ideas for things we can say in the moment, but what about preventing the conflict in the first place? Or simply, saving it for another time?
It’s interesting how we can go sometimes spend most the year without much recognition of these conflicts, and then the holidays hit and suddenly there’s huge conflicts that seem to hit us out of nowhere. But I suspect that conflict was there all along. Conflict often has roots and once you add stress and emotion at the holidays, those roots will begin to surface. Sometimes its family dynamics that have existed all year long, and other times its issues more on an individual level that creep into those relationships.
Yes, there’s lots of reasons for these conflicts. I think one modern contributor is that there’s a dynamic that exists between parents today and the previous generation, that isn’t always understood or explored. Years ago parents listened to the advice of their parents raising children — there was no other way. Except now there’s Instagram feeds full of other ways. Parents can read a post that resonates with them and suddenly, it becomes advice they take on how to raise their children. Grandparents are seemingly, outdated.
Adding to the dynamics are schedules that are bursting at the seams. Everyone seems to be hustling from here to there, starting the busy holiday season, already exhausted.
Deep within those roots is also history. Years and decades of conflict that can resurface when conditions are just right — stress, exhaustion, and sometimes an unrecognized need for love and connection.
Divisions within family over conflict are even easier when many people live far away from each other. Relatives are flights away, making the interactions between us less often. With our busy lives, we can live within the same zip code and yet, still not see each other very often. Traveling over the holidays alone adds significant stress. The packing, the unpacking, the planning, the financial cost, and the uncertainty of flights.
Adding in personal challenges throughout the year, there’s so many opportunities for conflict within family. Different personalities, different approaches, different political beliefs, different morals and values. It’s the perfect recipe that requires almost no effort to bring to the table — a heavy side of conflict.
Then in recent years, you go and add a pandemic. One where some family wanted to hold each other closer, while others wanted to distance and keep one another healthy — all exerting their personal beliefs over how to support and protect one another.
And like a flame coming to finish off the Bananas Foster, then you also add love to the table. And man, you can watch that conflict ignite. Because despite all of the differences, it’s still family. And almost everyone wants to be loved and respected by their family. They want support. Grandparents want their children home and their grandchildren close. Parents want help and understanding. These emotions can be strong and volcanic at times.
All of these together and more, can create so much conflict that it’s no wonder some people choose to avoid it or rather, distance themselves from it. The conflict can be draining. But for those of us that will choose to spend the holidays with family where conflict is bound to arise, is there any way to help diffuse some of it? I think so.
I’m not an expert in conflict or relationships, even. And I wish I had concrete answers. But I don’t. Every family is different. Not everyone even enjoys the holidays. And I can only speak to my own personal experience. But these are some of the steps I have taken when conflict arises within my family and how I have learned to process it.
I start first with my goal in mind — to build strong relationships for my children and support for our family. I know these relationships and this support is critical for my kids, my husband, and I to thrive. It is not a luxury. Despite how society sometimes represents it that way, I have come to view strong relationships and support for families as a necessity.
So I have chosen to focus on those relationships that I think are possible, right now, to build a strong foundation for my children and our family. It doesn’t mean I give up on people, but it does mean that while I’m slowly working through other conflicts, I put an emphasis on what my children need and what I need from our traditions to be a good mom. My priority is healthy, happy holidays that lift us up and help sustain us throughout the year. For me, this isn’t the time to heal old wounds or sort through major conflicts. It’s not the time to brush things under the rug either. It’s the time to focus on our relationships that are positive for us — the ones that fill our cup and our children’s. There’s 365 days in most years to work through major conflicts and challenges. But Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the important celebrations to your family during these months are just a few days of that 365. These are not the days to invite conflict to the table. These are the days that are meant to build us up, to gather together with those that we trust and feel safe with, and express gratitude, love, peace, hope and joy. These are the days are kids will remember.
And I start with all of that in mind. And suddenly, some of those conflicts don’t seem as big. Some of those conflict resolutions are saved for another day. Perhaps my approach could be viewed as selfish, or perhaps, my approach could be viewed simply as parenting. If building strong relationships for our children and support for our family is necessary, then really I’m just fulfilling a basic need for my own family. I’m really just parenting through the holidays.
Here’s a few more ideas for how I try to diffuse the conflict around the holidays.
- Now that my kids are older, I ask them what’s important to them at the holidays. Asking my kids how they want to spend the holidays, what they remember from year to year, reinforces our traditions. They remember the turkey, the cranberry sauce, the pumpkin pie, and yes, even the pickles their aunt brings on Thanksgiving. They remember the Christmas decorations that go up the day after. They remember the Oreos we dip in chocolate and add festive sprinkles to. And they remember the people who celebrate with us. The people who are here every Christmas — the people who make the significant effort to be here despite harsh travel and pandemics. At five and seven, my older two have a perspective many children may never have experienced. They remember a time where we had bustling holidays with many, and then the past several years where we had much quieter, smaller gatherings without our extended family. They have experienced both and have decided they are the type of kids who much prefer the bustling, the large family gatherings. That’s the holiday my kids asked for this year. So I prioritized what they need. If traditions and holidays are meant to give them security and self-confidence and a sense of belonging than I should listen to how they enjoy spending them, so long as it doesn’t significantly compromise my husband and I. In every family, we make compromises and I don’t mean to imply, I simply give my kids everything they want and don’t push them to try new opportunities. But I do listen to them and incorporate their perspective into our celebrations. Their comfort is important to me. And I prioritize getting them involved, instead of prioritizing all of the details of the holidays and being an excellent hostess. I don’t want to spend the holidays stressed out — and if you are interested you can read my post on how I simplify the holidays here. But I go into every holiday with the priority that I do my best to ensure I can make it a positive experience for my kids. I can’t always say I’ve succeeded, some years have been far better than others. But I also learn from those years and make an effort to not repeat those mistakes. And that’s what I tell my family. When conflict comes up about how we are spending holidays, I communicate in the kindest way I can the importance of traditions. How I can’t be spread too thin at the holidays, risking putting too much strain on our family drains the positivity of those traditions. I’ve presented resources throughout my blog about the importance of traditions and strong relationships for kids, and I’m seizing those opportunities at the holidays to build resiliency in my kids, to create a foundation for them that helps them throughout the year — and will throughout their life. And that is my bottom line. So when one gathering after another starts to take away from the traditions my kids look forward to, or keeps them from seeing the people that are positive for them, that they have built strong relationships with, I communicate that. My kids are growing up at a time when it is so hard to be a kid and a teenager. But we know that strong supportive relationships with trusted adults helps buffer kids from tough times and challenges they face. We know that traditions are important to kids and including them in them is important for them to feel needed. We know they need support and to feel they a sense of belonging. So that’s what my focus is at the holidays, creating important memories for them through simple traditions and prioritizing strong relationships with trusted family and friends that I know are possible today — right now. There are 365 days out of the year and lots of opportunity to work through conflict and relationships, but not on the holidays. Those few days of the year are protected, sacred, and for our family and our needs. And that’s how I start with planning for the holidays.
- Whenever possible, I try to incorporate my family members’ traditions too. I reach out ahead of time to family who we are spending the holidays with and ask them what traditions are important to them. If they mention something in passing or ask about incorporating a tradition that is positive for them, I try to make it part of our holiday whenever possible. I try to include everyone. We put out place cards with everyone’s names so they know they have a place in our home. My hope is that by feeling included and part of the festivities, it creates a positive atmosphere that can help diffuse some of the lingering conflicts between family members. It’s hard to feel conflict when you feel loved and included.
- I take on less. As I mentioned above, when we are stretched thin, we add stress to conflict. And its like pouring gasoline over the fire. I make things ahead of time that I can, I decorate a little less, and I write down year to year what worked and what didn’t. I keep recipes all together so I’m not looking for something new unless I find something didn’t work. And I say no to many outside commitments around the holidays. Decluttering and house projects (unless emergent) are now planned for January. Whether I’m traveling or spending the holidays at home, I instead try to declutter my mind of all the things I want to do and focus on what I need to do for the holidays, to create the positive energy that my family needs.
- I have conversations ahead of time. A little planning along those 365 days that aren’t holidays, can go a long way. If I know there’s certain political issues that might arise at the table, I try to remind family members that young ears are listening before they come to celebrate with us. If another prior gathering sparked conflict over something said around my children, I try to diffuse that before the next one. And I choose my battles. The goal for me is strong relationships for my children and traditions that build a foundation for them of interdependence, and a strong support system. It helps keep it in perspective what I need to have conversations about and what I can let go. Because if the relationship is important for my kids, maybe it doesn’t matter if we give a little here and there. But if it’s something I know is going to be negative for my kids, I try to anticipate and discuss ahead of time. It won’t always fall well with everyone but that’s not within my control. I’m advocating for my kids and my bottom line is a positive holiday for me, my husband, and our children. And I can’t let that be compromised. Having some of these conversations ahead of time isn’t comfortable but it does help set expectations and allow time to diffuse any negative feelings that might come from it and clarify misunderstandings.
- I emphasize everyone’s strengths and contributions as I see them. It’s only my opinion but I try to give people positive feedback. I appreciate the effort that goes into preparing the delicious dishes that are brought to our table. I try to taste all of the food and give praise for the rich flavors blended together. When my kids help prepare the final product, I especially make sure to mention it. I ask for suggestions on how to make my dishes taste better. And often my husband and I do a toast in our home, bringing everyone together to offer our sincere appreciation for everyone who has traveled, contributed, and been an important part of lives — for everyone being together. It’s hard to feel conflict in the room when everyone is together, when gratitude and a genuine love for one another is expressed.
Conflict is bound to arise, but it doesn’t have to take over our holidays.
Wishing you and your families a very blessed holiday — Happy Thanksgiving. And thank you all for being part of this virtual village.
