The weather in upstate New York has been unseasonably warm over the past few weeks. Knowing cooler days with gray skies loom ahead, my family has been seizing every opportunity to soak up the sunshine. Moving our television outside a few weeks ago, we enjoyed a beautiful Sunday afternoon outdoors, cheering on our favorite football team while our kids played in the backyard.
Shortly after the game, we fired up our grill. If it weren’t for the crunching leaves beneath our feet, I would have thought it was the middle of July.
In our kitchen, my husband put together some burgers while I threw together a few sides. Harvesting the last of our fresh produce from the garden, my husband used it for spices and toppings — a little Swiss chard, tomatoes, red onion, parsley and jalapeños. As I prepped and he grilled, we moved about the kitchen juggling our kids and reviewing the schedule for the week. I was blissfully unaware just how those jalapeños would spice up our night.
My husband and I plated our kids’ meals first and let them dig in while we finished dressing our own burgers. Feeling my body hit that critical point where I needed to eat, I joined my kids to devour my own burger.
Within seconds of sitting down, my three year old had already started complaining about his food. His burger that came off the grill first — was still too hot.
If you have ever read the book, The Pigeon Needs A Bath! by Mo Williems, you can probably imagine how I felt at that moment. Mealtimes with toddlers can often feel like they resemble the finicky-ness of that infamous pigeon contemplating his bath. “The water is too hot. Too cold. Too deep! Not deep enough. Too lukewarm. Too hot. Too cold. Now it’s too hot again!” It can be exhausting and drain the energy of an already fuel depleted parent.
I assumed this was one of those moments when my son’s burger was probably fine but he was just being picky. His two brothers were devouring theirs without issue and my burger came off after theirs — and it was fine. I assumed his was also fine.
I suggested he blow on the burger or wait and eat the rest of his food first. He honored that suggestion, finished the rest of his food, and then a few minutes later, persisted that his burger was still too hot.
Coming up with a solution on his own, he offered to pour cold milk all over it.
That wouldn’t be the first time one of my kids dumped milk all over their plates, leaking through the slats in our table and pooling both on their plate and our floor. But they like to experiment with their food. And while I often encourage a little exploration at the dinner table, I usually suggest experimenting with a small amount of food, not a whole burger. Test out a tiny piece before you ruin the whole thing.
Hungry and not interested in spilled milk, I promptly told him not to pour the milk — assuming it was to cool an already cool to touch burger.
About 5 seconds later — yup, he poured the milk.
Looking at his soggy bun and burger, I opted to ignore the situation, feed myself, and let him sort out if he was going to eat his drenched burger.
As he looked at it, I could tell he wasn’t going to enjoy it. But wanting to prove his point, he picked up the burger and took a bite. Scrunching his face, he put it back down. My husband joining us at the table and noticing the pool of milk on his plate, glanced at me and our eyes both came to the same conclusion — he would still need to eat it.
After our request, our son looked at both of us and calmly got down from his chair. He walked into our kitchen and hearing him rustling about, I saw him help himself to a brand new burger and bun. He dressed it with ketchup, mustard, and relish, opened his mouth, and took a giant bite.
I was frustrated but having nourished myself a bit, I abandoned the rest of my burger, and followed him into our kitchen. I watched him as he sat there enjoying the burger he had just put together — and it wasn’t too hot or too cold. It was just right.
My husband supervising our other two boys, afforded me the opportunity to let my mind replay the past several minutes in our home, reflecting on what had just happened as my son sat quietly eating his food. I took a closer look not only at the situation in front of me but also the burger that sat soggy in our screen porch — tiny chunks of red pepper blazing through as I felt mom guilt slap me in the face.
The jalapeños. His burger was too hot. And his solution to pour milk over it — was actually clever and insightful. It was the same solution my husband and I offer to our kids when they eat something spicy — pour milk into your mouth.
My husband had made two burgers for himself with the leftover jalapeños from our garden, to add a little spice, and then made a few burgers without the jalapeños for the rest of us. It was not a common practice in our house and was certainly not something I expected that evening. He had mistakenly given one of those jalapeño burgers to our son.
After my husband and I apologized to our son and our kids went to bed, I thought more about that dinner.
My son wasn’t a picky eater, he wasn’t the problem. The problem was his spicy burger.
My son wasn’t having a meltdown, he had actually regulated his emotions quite well, calmly stepping away from his spicy burger to make a new one.
My son wasn’t following our directions, but he was appropriately exerting his independence and figuring out how to problem solve on his own. That was a time when it was safe for him to challenge something that didn’t make sense to him. And I was proud of him for doing that.
My kids need to know when it’s important for their safety to follow our directions, like crossing the street and wearing a helmet. But they also need opportunities where they can speak up and challenge something that does not feel good to them.
I think there is a strong trend recently to try and rethink parenting styles — to understand our children and their behaviors rather than simply setting expectations and aiming to enforce them. In fact, parenting changed completely for me when I learned it was more about my own reaction and how I responded to my kids behavior than it was about trying to control the behavior. Carefully responding to them in a supportive tone I have found is often much more effective at ultimately leading to a change in their behavior than simply reacting and offering a consequence.
But what about the rest of our family, friends, and communities? Do they read the same articles or put time and energy into understanding how parenting has changed?
We are not living in a bubble raising our children. Interactions between the people we love in our families, friendship circles, and communities play a role in our parenting and they play a role in the lives of our children. And while I’ve gotten better at carving out my core values as a parent and growing my confidence based on expert opinions, I’m also not immune to feeling judged or being caught off guard and unresponsive to a snarky comment about my parenting.
I wonder if the scenario that night had included a few guests at our dinner table or if we had been at a restaurant with nearby tables staring at our toddler pouring milk over his burger, would they have seen a toddler who was appropriately exerting his independence and problem solving? Or would they have seen a toddler pouring milk over his food and grabbing a new burger as inappropriate and wasteful?
Would they assume he was poorly behaved? Poorly disciplined? Would my husband and I have reacted stronger, feeling the tension from other eyes watching us and our parenting on display? Would we have been as calm reacting to him as we were that night in our screen porch?
Would my son have felt trapped if there was not an extra burger as our guests enjoyed the last of them or no kitchen to disappear into at a restaurant that would solve the problem? Would my son have felt alone, overwhelmed, and embarrassed? Would a full blown meltdown have ensued?
I myself had jumped to the conclusion he was an overtired, picky toddler. I can see how an audience might have too.
But I wonder if not only parents, but our society as a whole, was better at looking at toddler meltdowns and doing a root cause analysis of the situation. Would we be so quick to call it the “terrible twos” or the actions of a “threenager?”
I felt bad about that night but our mistake became an opportunity for him. Our calm response to him not following our directions, provided him the safe space to explore a solution himself. I let go of the mom guilt and looked at that night as both a learning opportunity for my son and myself.
I also sat down and wrote this blog post.
We all have to be better at looking at a situation with a child and asking ourselves — what is really going on here? How can I help this child work through it? And perhaps even, how can I help this parent work through it?
If I had tossed that soggy burger without examining it, I would have never had the opportunity to examine what the real problem was that night. Those spicy jalapeños are now forever a reminder to me to take a closer look and perhaps, they might even spark a trend. A trend towards each of us taking a closer look at the behaviors exhibited by children growing up around us — and why.
Understanding his behavior better, before my little boy went to bed that night, my husband and I made sure to tell him that we were proud of him — and why.
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While I hope you enjoy reading my posts, kindly be advised that the words in this article are not medical advice and I cannot guarantee that they will work for you or your family. They are my reflections on parenting my three boys, based on my own personal background and experiences. Always reach out to your own health professionals for any questions or concerns. Please read my full disclosure at the bottom of this site for more information. Very sincerely, Mamma P.
