“It takes a village to raise a child,” is a well-known African proverb that captured my attention after the birth of my first son and that I have passionately embodied and explored ever since.
Who is the “village” though? What are their roles? How do they help families promote healthy growth and development in their children? Is it really applicable to our modern, industrialized society today?
And since March 2020, the question swirling in my mind — what does that village look like during a pandemic?
With an increased risk for morbidity and mortality, many aging adults isolated themselves from their children and grandchildren. Many families and children suffered the unpredictable and still, unknown true effects of closed schools and childcare centers, cancelled extracurricular activities, and separation from family, friends, and community supports. Self-care that once rejuvenated parents in a yoga studio, fitness class, or a night out with friends was wiped out. Many support systems for families, already needing critical updates and reinforcement, were shattered. Moms, especially, were left to bear the brunt of it.
Through this pandemic, we saw a sudden loss of support for children and their families — a sudden loss of their village. Many moms, like myself, increasingly took on roles that were once divided amongst childcare providers, teachers, friends, families, and communities. And as families also faced social isolation in the midst of deep rooted social inequalities, financial insecurities, and a virus that threatened all of our lives, moms and their families were paradoxically, in need of support now more than ever.
It’s not that our villages, were no longer dependable — it was that we now faced a time where the survival of our village and thus, its future dependability, relied on distancing today.
Having spent the past few years focusing my lens on the integral role of family, friends, and community in a child’s life, I worried about the impact of social distancing on children all over the world, particularly my own.
In the beginning months, I found peace in knowing children thrive on routine and focused my energy on maintaining some sense of normalcy in our home. I taught my preschoolers their ABC’s, 123’s, shapes and colors. We were baking, crafting, and testing out basic science experiments before heading outdoors.
Social connections with friends and family were largely maintained through phone calls, virtual visits, window greetings, and sharing old photo albums and home videos with my children. We strengthened our connections within our home with family hikes, weekly movie and game nights, and cultivated our family traditions, both old and new. Cancelled holiday celebrations, birthday parties, and vacations became ways to unleash our creativity and bring the festivities to our home in the best way we could.
And as I tucked my children in at night, I found serenity in another day of this pandemic that my children were healthy and thriving.
Replaying their daily carefree giggles and laughter in my mind, I started to challenge my long-standing ideals that children really needed a village. They seemed largely unaffected by the sudden loss of their family, friends, school, and community. As two and four year old boys, they were at an age where their immediate family was their focus and they became even closer — the very best of friends.
I, myself, was holding the fort and we all seemed to be doing just fine without our village. Or so I thought.
As I reflected one evening on our day, I thought about how my, then two year old, still frequently placed pretend phone calls to his grandparents hoping for a visit with them and my, then four year old, often reminisced about his preschool class as we read a book his teacher also had. It is often through play that I get a glimpse into how my kids are feeling — they aren’t usually going to just come up and tell me.
It was then that I realized how much they missed their village but also that within the four walls of our home, we actually still had our village. It was because of the incredible support and dependability of the adults in my children’s life every day before this pandemic and the cards, letters, and phone calls that they had delivered during it, that my children were thriving and resilient even when their village couldn’t be apart of their daily lives.
And then I started thinking about how my own parenting style has blossomed from the lessons I have learned from my own village.
My parents taught me many of the nursery rhymes I now use to engage in playful moments with my own children.
My extended families’ boisterous gatherings over the years laid the foundation for timeless traditions we continue to carry out in our home that have preserved a sense of identity and belonging even during holidays we can’t be together.
My friends and neighbors’ through sharing their children over the years taught my kids the skills they needed for cooperative and imaginative play with the one friend they consistently saw everyday — each other.
My children’s teachers sparked a passion for learning in my kids that I was able to build from as I sang the ABC’s with them and mixed colors of paint. A clever music teacher taught me the magic of improvising a song to avoid a meltdown, facilitate chores, and provide my children with comfort when they felt scared, lonely, or sad — that was invaluable over the past year and a half.
My church youth program planted a seed with my son just before the pandemic started which continues to sprout new hope within us and was a daily reminder of our faith. That plant was replanted in our front yard and continues to grow today.
My children’s positive associations to fresh produce and seafood, at least partially attributed to the local farm markets we visited full of cheerful faces kindly greeting them and offering a sample, instilling in them a healthy passion for variety they bring to our table every day.
My understanding of the healthy growth and development of children maturing out of the lessons I learned from professors and colleagues over the years, and the heroic healthcare providers that provide care to my children even today.
And standing beside me at the core of their village, were the two people who were and are a constant source of support everyday — their aunt and their dad.
My sister, a young professional and recent graduate, moved in with us before the pandemic started and weathered the first several months with us. She provided an extra set of hands in the kitchen, childcare during my prenatal appointments, and my children with another adult they could turn to, gently redirecting them when she sensed I needed a minute to breathe. Together her and I rekindled many of our family traditions and introduced my children to new ones exploring our heritage through fun activities and comforting new foods.
And since the early days of this pandemic, I have seen my husband and I grow more as a team than ever before. Instead of completely cancelling a much anticipated Disney World vacation, we relocated it to the first floor of our home. Seeing my husband in a new light, he ignited our children’s imaginations through vocal impersonations of Goofy and taught them equally goofy dance moves as they all hopped around our kitchen that infamous day, jamming to the “Hot Dog Dance.” Together we have worked harder than ever to ease tensions, minimize conflicts, and problem solve knowing it is crucial to providing our children with security and stability — and one another with support.
Once we welcomed a new baby boy last year, those days of having three adults at home to divide between two preschoolers — were gone. My husband went back to working long hours, my sister moved on to her own place, and I had three young children to nurture and protect mostly on my own. The days that followed were long — I didn’t have as much time for ABC’s, 123’s, crafting or baking.
But we did still have our village, even if it was mostly there in spirit. The kind gestures from so many people in our lives who offered whatever support they could during a time that often offered more uncertainty than it did clarity and reassurance. All of it reinforcing what I already believed to be true.
That for us, it really does take a village to raise our children — especially during a pandemic.
While I hope you enjoy reading my posts, kindly be advised that the words in this article are not medical advice and I cannot guarantee that they will work for you or your family. They are my reflections on parenting my three boys, based on my own personal background and experiences. Always reach out to your own health professionals for any questions or concerns. Please read my full disclosure at the bottom of this site for more information. Very sincerely, Mamma P.
