“Why are you always rushing?”
My grandmother frequently asked me that question. I remember thinking she had no idea how busy families were nowadays. I would respond with a snarky, “Grandma, I have a lot to do,” and shrug her off as being very out of touch with how things are nowadays.
My own grandmother’s gentle question of “why are you always rushing?” was a question I only reflected back on as I started to write about the relationships between grandparents and their grandchildren. As I look back now, she often asked me that question as I was buzzing around my kitchen trying to accomplish a laundry list of tasks while she sat at my island observing. I would spend the afternoon stocking my freezer with meals for dinners later that week or month or prepping dishes for family gatherings. She sat patiently watching me as we chatted, what we talked about I no longer can recall — I was too caught up in the tasks I was performing.
I now wonder though what she was really thinking — what advice could she could have given me about slowing down? Did she feel like more of a spectator in my life rather than an active player?
I look back at that time and I wish I had sat down with her and given her my full attention. I wish I had just taken even a few minutes to take a break, catch my breath, and have a cup of tea with her.
Research shows grandparents can be incredibly influential in the lives of their grandchildren. Providing a listening ear, sharing their own life stories, and teaching skills, grandparents foster strong connections with their grandchildren that can build resiliency and promote greater emotional security in their grandchildren. These connections can also increase grandchildren’s feelings of self-worth in a world that frequently causes them to self-doubt. Both grandmothers and grandfathers are important in promoting self-confidence and a positive identity in their grandchildren. And the relationships can be bidirectionally positive —grandparents finding those relationships with their grandchildren positively impacting their own lives.
My own grandmother’s words have had an incredible impact on me, even if at the time I don’t think I was graciously receiving them. And I was certainly not offering her a generous cup of gratitude for sharing them. I’m sure I brushed her off — working hard and being busy was what I thought it meant to be living a full life, to be productive, and to be raising young kids in our modern society.
Yet, I did hear her. And years later whenever I find myself buzzing about in my home, I remember her soft words, “Why are you always rushing?” And unless the answer to that question is, because there’s an emergency, I remind myself to slow down.
It has without a doubt had a multigenerational impact on our family — benefiting my own children every time I’m reminded of her words, causing me to put down my laundry list of tasks, and focus on what’s really important, the way I wish I had that day with her in my kitchen.
I am no longer always rushing. I plan ahead better but I also only do what needs to be done in that moment of time. I find I ask myself, what needs to be done before the end of the day or before we head out of the house — prioritizing our “busy” and letting anything else get done only if we find ourselves with a few extra minutes. Often we don’t end up having extra time on hand and I find that what I thought I needed to do, didn’t get done but our day still worked out ok.
When I look at our weeks ahead, I now critically think about how busy we are. Is there anything we don’t need to do? Ensuring slower weeks follow ones that are inevitably jam packed. Quiet time at least a few days a week is planned into our schedule with the same priority as soccer, T-ball, and other social events.
I remember one particular instance when her words helped guide me through a parenting obstacle I was facing. When my son first started kindergarten, he would come home from school and having waited all day to see him, his little brother and I would be excited to play with him. I would spend the hours before checking off my own tasks so that I could plan a fun activity for all of us. But first, when he walked through the door, I would ask him to put away his backpack, get a snack, and tell me about his day.
I thought I was teaching him to be responsible and showing interest in his day. I later realized that I was buzzing. But our day actually felt rushed. Put the backpack away, grab a snack, I’ll catch up on a few things and then we can all head out for playtime.
But my son needed space to unwind from the day. His irritation with me and uncharacteristic refusal to clean up after himself, represented him needing to slow down and have a few moments to himself after a long day of socializing and learning. It appeared to be a behavioral issue, or at the very least, a grumpy or overtired kid. But he was just a child that needed some down time after a long day.
I’m not sure I would have seen that if I wasn’t already wired to think about the importance of slowing down our days, something I learned from my grandmother, learning to see hours as spent both being productive and also restorative. Sometimes being productive meant not producing a product or checking off a box on a to do list. It also meant giving space to regroup.
Now some days we have after school plans, but at least a few times a week, my son gets off the bus and he plays with his trains quietly, rides his bike on our driveway, or draws at his craft table. Often once he’s had that space, by dinnertime, he is openly willing to share his day with me, he puts away his backpack away sometimes without even my prompting — reminded by something in it that he wants to show me. He now engages in more imaginative play with his little brother after that restorative time with less arguments and more team building.
I also often think about my grandmother’s words often when I’m buzzing and rushing around to get someplace on time — I hate to be late. But with three young kids, I now accept that I will be late. Even when I have strategically planned our day to get someplace on time, a shoe will go missing, some meltdown with ensue, and a diaper will need to be changed. I have tried to emphasize to my children the importance of being respectful and timely while also breaking free from unrealistic societal expectations of always being punctual despite things that pop up. And when parenting, something always seems to be pop up which has lead to a new phrase I like to give when we run behind, “I’m sorry we were late, I was parenting.”
Sometimes my kids need help working through a meltdown and it matters how I react in that moment, it can’t be rushed, even if it means we are going to run late. My infant has no concept of time when he needs a diaper change. And that shoe that went missing belonged to a child that is still learning to put things away in their place. And it’s my job to teach that child where they go, not to rush through it with unintended consequences of possibly filling my child with unnecessary stress or even shame that their “irresponsibility” has caused us to be late. I no longer rush through important moments in parenting due to societal expectations of timeliness when as parents, we can’t possibly anticipate or prevent every barrier.
So, I’m sorry I am running late, but I was parenting and I won’t rush through that.
As families have evolved from multigenerational communities to individual nuclear entities, they move at lightening speeds relying less and less on each other. Historians often link the separation of the family unit to the industrial revolution as young families abandoned family farms and moved into cities to work in factories. Young families nowadays continue to live relatively independent lives as they pride themselves on self-reliance and their abilities to multi-task. Some of them yearning for more help but living apart and in a society where independence is sometimes valued more than being dependent on one another. We live in a society of supermoms. They appear they can do it all.
But I wonder, would we be better off relying on each other more? Relying on an extended family member or close friend to cook one night a week for us while we cook another night for their family? Dividing and conquering, could we all slow down a bit more?
I think about the many impacts of families working together more. Are we valuing grandparents enough in our current society? Are we simply relying on grandparents for date nights when we could be fostering deeper connections between grandparents and grandchildren that can be undeniably beneficial?
Could we all slow down a bit more, be a little less stressed, and see improvements in our health, our lives, and our society? Could we all work together more, be a little less stressed, and see improvements in our health, our lives, and our society?
Why are we always rushing?
While I hope you enjoy reading my posts, kindly be advised that the words in this article are not medical advice and I cannot guarantee that they will work for you or your family. They are my reflections on parenting my three boys, based on my own personal background and experiences. Always reach out to your own health professionals for any questions or concerns. Please read my full disclosure at the bottom of this site for more information. Very sincerely, Mamma P.
